the antitrust regulator song

call up the antitrust regulators and tell them (tell ‘em) to break up all the bands i don’t like. who needs psych rock? who needs dream pop? and who needs all those boomer bands that play at the casinos in connecticut?

i knew it was all over when the obama justice department refused to break up the rod stewart reunion tour. they broke up happy jawbone. they tapped karl marx’s phone. and they told my old band that twenty percent of the door was the best that they could do.

if i had to pay medical bills for every time that music saved or ruined my life i’d be so deep in debt to some masshole named matthew, who probably works at a hedge fund, listens to dave matthews and thinks he is a hipster.

there are no rock shows in a pandemic, only grainy youtube footage from the nineties. i’m watching sheryl crow cover cat stevens, singing don’t stop believing in hope and change.

if there’s one thing that antitrust regulators and the x-files have in common, it’s that cops are the heroes in the liberal imagination. and i collected all their trading cards, stole a magnet from their car, and thought that their t-shirts were the stupidest tshirts i ever saw.

we’re the fifth band at this show, and i know you probably wanna go, but we’ll play our songs twenty percent faster if you just stick around. you’re the bernie sanders mitten meme and i’m the ad that’s flashing on your screen. and we’re gonna rock ’n roll straight into the sunset.

there are no rock shows in a pandemic, only doing the dishes over and over. i’m going outside to look up at the sky, i’m so cool that it makes me high. (it’s 420 in the sky.)